He's A Pirate
by wide sky
Summary: AU/AH, one-shot. In which Edward gets jealous. Very jealous. Who is this Klaus Badelt character? Why does Bella seem so worked up about him? Alice, stop blocking my view of Bella! M for slight sexual references. Just to be safe. :


I can feel my jaw starting to spasm. My pounding pulse fills my ears with its roaring. Good Lord, I am a living cliche of a brute. A - what was it that Rose said Emmett was? - yes, a Giant Hulk. A testosterone-pumped up neanderthal dressed only in purple undergarments. Alice says that Rose meant it as a compliment, but I Wikipedia-ed it, and if that is the kind of man Rose likes, well...

But for this man, this Klaus Badelt, I am well tempted to defy all my years of training in control and let loose a "hulk smash" of my own. Never mind that he is a pirate. I can take him, pirate or no.

"Klaus Badelt is a composer, Edward."

Without my knowledge, Alice has flitted to my side and is looking at me with smirky eyes. My rational mind winces. No-one has sneaked up on me without me realising since I was six and three quarters. The rest of me - which right now is a vast majority - doesn't care.

"Just because I love music doesn't mean I'm not going to be jealous, Alice. And he's a pirate. He's a filthy murderer," I say, fingers clenching and unclenching.

I can feel the pulse in my head start to throb. The one tell which I thought I had defeated a long time ago by not feeling anger. By becoming stone. Other people would have tried to control their body. I am supposed to be special because I can control my mind.

What a bloody joke. I can't even control anything right now, when it's about her. With a particularly vicious clench, my fist tears a hole into my jeans.

Alice sighs. I think she is more concerned for my jeans than for me.

"Edward, Bella is a pianist."

"That's fantastic. I don't think she needs another reason to make her even more perfect, though. And are you trying to make me even more jealous of this Badelt bastar- character?"

"Oh for the love of all that's Vogue-worthy Edward! I thought you were intelligent!"

Alice pauses. I register what she says and file it away for later deciphering. Right now, staring at Bella seems to be the highest priority. There was plenty of time to find and destroy this Badelt Bastar- character. The one who made Bella- the one who made her put her fingers-

Enough. Oh God. I was going to break something. Think happy. Think pure. Think Bella.

Bella, whose fingers I could stare at from twilight to twilight until dawn broke and broke and broke again to reveal just one midnight sun. Bella, my midnight sun, with her distracting fingers- white, slim, blushingly nimble fingers, suddenly eclipsed by a inky black shadow...

"Alice! Shove off, would you!" I whisper harshly.

"Oh, has the pwoor wittle boy's view of his beautiful Bella been obscured? Well, that's just too bad. I'm sorry I have to interrupt your mooning but you seem to be reduced to a hormone driven imbecile whenever you're looking at Bella." She takes a deep breath. I take a deep breath. She is blocking Bella. I will her to shift about ten more degrees to the right.

"Look. Edward. Klaus Badelt is a composer." I try to interject but she cuts me off with a look.

"Shut up and listen. He's a composer, of piano music. He composed the wonderful soundtrack for Pirates of the Carribean - if you actually had a life you would know this is a famous movie with three of the hottest actors in Hollywood - and it's called He's a Pirate. It's, you know, all rousing and dancey and allegretto con spirito in ffff or whatever you musicians call it." I raise one eyebrow.

"So?" She huffs and rolled her eyes.

"Sooooooo, when Bella said that she was 'relieving her stress with her fingers' and that she 'thanks Klaus Badelt' for the 'few perfect moments of bliss' even though her 'fingers are aching now'..."

Oh. Oh Good Lord. I am such a pervert.

x

A/N: First fic. First one-shot (nerve-wrecking stuff).

Please let me know how I did... and whether I should continue writing - or whether I should just stick to reading. )x

... oh dear I really hope the intended humour in this did not get all muddled up in poor writing. Was it confusing?

It /is/a teeniest liiiiiitle bit of a crackfic. There is one section where I thought it would be fun to include all the titles in the Twilight series as badly disguised puns. Did y'all catch all that awkwardness? hoho. I cringed when I re-read it but -shrugs- leaving it in because it isn't like the rest of the fic isn't just as ridiculous. (;

Edward's voice is pretty unique in this one. I had a vision of a character for him but it's too bad this one-shot didn't allow for me to explore that. Maybe in a spinoff fic. Heh. What do you guys think: wanna see more of this Edward? (;

All feedback is welcome. Thank you. ^^


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